To honor their greatest living player, the New York Yankees will retire Derek Jeter's uniform number. Never again will a Yankee wear the number 2 that Jeter made so famous.

Furthermore, to honor the greatest living shortstop, Major League Baseball will retire the shortstop position league-wide. Never again will an inferior ballplayer occupy the infield space from which Jeter made so many highlights.

Additionally, to honor the greatest living New York athlete, MLB, the NBA, NHL, and NFL will all retire the teams which formerly represented New York City. Never again will run-of-the-mill athletes soil the Five Boroughs, which Jeter represented so proudly.

Finally, to honor the greatest living American, the United States will retire the given name "Derek" in perpetuity. Never again will any American sully the holy name of Derek. All existing Dereks who have not obtained a high enough level of representative Americana (such as being a Medal of Honor recipient) will henceforth have their first names changed to Gerald.

Sorry, dude. Do you prefer Gerald or Jerry?